...are

"The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.'"

Rev. David Tinney tells how Rabbi Marc Gafni recalled "one of the first bar mitzvahs he ever performed. It was for a boy named Louis. Louis was awkward and sad. His insensitive parents did little to encourage his self-esteem. They implied that he was too dumb to learn the traditional Hebrew passages a boy recites for his bar mitzvah.

"Rabbi Gafni was determined to bring out the best in Louis. He spent extra time teaching him the songs and prayers. He discovered that Louis was smart, and had a fantastic singing voice. On the day of his bar mitzvah, Louis performed beautifully. 

At the end of the ceremony, Rabbi Gafni stood and spoke directly to Louis. He said, 'Louis, this morning you met your real self. This is who you are. You are good, graceful, talented, and smart. Whatever people told you yesterday, and Louis, whatever happens tomorrow, promise me one thing. Remember … this is you. Remember, and don't ever lose it.'

"A few years later, Louis wrote to Rabbi Gafni. The boy whose parents predicted that he was too dumb to perform a traditional bar mitzvah was studying for his medical degree at an Ivy League university. He was also engaged to be married. Louis ended his letter by saying, 'I kept my promise—I always remembered my bar mitzvah morning when you said that this is who I am. For this, I thank you.'"

Dear Reader, no matter what you have ever been told in the past, or what you have come to believe about yourself, always remember that God loves you totally with an everlasting love. He believes in you absolutely and wants you to come to him and believe in yourself in a healthy and helpful way so that you will, with his help, become all that he has envisioned for you to be, and to achieve all that he has planned for you to do. 

-dick innes

...reformer

"Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."

To be politically correct many would say that Christians should keep out of the political arena. But think about William Wilberforce (1759–1833), the British politician who became the leader of the movement to abolish the inhumane slave trade. His life is a prime example of Christian political activism par excellence.

When he first became a committed Christian, however, he seriously considered withdrawing from parliament, but John Newton (a former slave trader himself) and author of one of the world's best known hymns, "Amazing Grace, " convinced Wilberforce to remain in parliament, as God had placed him there for a useful purpose. 

It turned out that as a politician Wilberforce had a much greater influence on the social ills of his day, and campaigned fervently for decades to help, with other Christian leaders, end the slave trade. He was actually dying when he received word of his success re the end of the slave trade.

Wilberforce said, "God Almighty has set before me two great objects, the suppression of the slave trade and the reformation of manners."

To this task this one man committed his entire life … and helped greatly to change a great part of the world. Would that we had such parliamentarian reformers today! There is a desperate need for them. 

Furthermore, you and I may never become another Wilberforce, but with God's help each one of us can make a lasting and eternal impact on the world in which we live and circulate. Will YOU volunteer today to be one of these persons? Remember, we Christians are called by Christ to be the salt (purifying effect) of the earth.

-dick innes

winning...

According to your faith be it unto you.

A winner sees an opportunity in every risk while a loser sees a risk in every opportunity. Winners know that to risk nothing is to risk everything, that if they are going to win they need to be willing to try, to take chances, and to risk failure. 

That is, they have to be willing to strike out if they are going to hit home runs.  Apparently the year Babe Ruth broke the world record for hitting the most home runs he also broke the world's record for the most strike-outs!

The point is, if I am going to hit home runs I have to be in the game, stand at the plate and keep swinging. Sooner or later if I practice hard and do my best, I will hit a home run.  As somebody else has said, "To try when there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it."

True winners make sure their goal is in harmony with God's will and, because of this, they know that with his help there is always a way to achieve their goal. Furthermore, they believe in their cause. And they believe in themselves in a healthy way. Therefore they expect to win, believe they will, and do so.

They also know that if they tried and did their best, they have already won.

...losers

"According to your faith will it be done to you."

A winner sees an opportunity in every risk while a loser sees a risk in every opportunity. Winners know that to risk nothing is to risk everything. They know that if they are going to win, they have to be willing to try, to take chances, and to risk failure. They have to be willing to strike out if they are going to hit home runs. 

The year Babe Ruth broke the world record for hitting the most home runs in baseball he also broke the world's record for the most strikeouts!  The point is if I am going to hit home runs, I have to be in the game, stand at the plate and keep swinging. Sooner or later, if I practice hard and do my best, I will hit a home run. 

As somebody else has said, "To try when there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it." Some people think that success comes to those who are lucky. Luck, if you want to call it that, comes when preparation meets opportunity. 

True winners make sure their goals are in harmony with God's will and because of this, know that with His help there is a way to achieve them. Furthermore, they believe in their cause and they believe in themselves in a healthy way. They know that God never calls or expects anyone to do anything that can't be done. Therefore, they expect to win and believe they will—and work hard to make it happen. They know that "the only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary." 

They also know that if they tried and did their best already they have won. 

-dick innes

...lining

"According to your faith will it be done to you."

In response to an article  entitled, "Cheaters Never Win," one man whom I will call Fred wrote saying. "My wife left and divorced me. Now she is remarried. She has moved on. I'm in dreadful pain and can't seem to move on. She cheated. I didn't. She broke the rules. I didn't. She's happy. I'm not. She seems to have won. I lost.

It appears to Fred that his former wife won. However, Fred's issue isn't about her—whether she is a winner or not—as Fred can't change her. For Fred the issue is about him and whether he chooses to stay a loser-victim rather than becoming a winning-loser.

And yes, losing love hurts real badly. There are few things in life more painful than rejection. When a marriage fails, it can be extremely difficult to see, but if one can see beyond his present circumstances, be still and listen with his heart, he will hear God's wakeup call and see that God wants him to grow and become a much healthier and more fulfilled person.

The point is that what we see is what we will become. That is, if I see myself as a loser, a loser I will be. If I see myself as a winner, a winner I will be. As Jesus said to the blind men, "According to your faith will it be done to you." And what is faith? It is visualizing or seeing what God wants you to be and, with his help, acting on what you see to make it happen.

As I said to Fred, "Your situation is God's wakeup call for you to grow and become the person God wants you to be. This will take time, commitment, and hard work, but if you get into a good recovery program and work on your character issues and grow, you will become a true winner. To begin, ask God to face you with the truth about you, to reveal to you any and all character issues you need to work on, and to lead you to the help you need to recover and grow.

The fact is that in every loss, setback, and heartbreak, God wants to use it as a wakeup call for us to grow and become healthier, whole, and fulfilled persons. The choice is ours. Remember: With commitment, hard work and courage, what you see God wants you to be will be.

...honor

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."

It's rather depressing how the news media thrives on presenting negative news because that's what sells—or at least that's what we're led to believe. But as Michael Josephson suggested in an issue of Character Counts, "let's stop thinking about the handful of ex-college coaches who were fired for dishonorable conduct and the one sportsman who belittled his profession and destroyed his own good name (and possibly his promising career) through illicit sexual behavior—and remind ourselves of the noble side of sports.

"When leader Lance Armstrong's bike went down [in a Tour de France grueling bicycle race] after a collision with a spectator, his closest challenger Jan Ullrich and other lead cyclists slowed to wait for him to get back into the race. They were honoring an unwritten code of honor. 

According to Diane Pucin in the L.A. Times, Ullrich said, 'If I would have won this race by taking advantage of someone's bad luck, then the race was not worth winning.' Apparently, the world's best cyclists understand the difference between being declared the winner and really winning."

That's what I call admirable and is wonderful to see. 

I surely wish that our news media would major on this type of stories and help inspire our youth to more noble deeds of honor, valor and kindness, and thereby help make the world of today a much better place in which to live.

...hope

“The glory of this latter temple shall be greater than the former,” says the Lord of hosts. “And in this place I will give peace,” says the Lord of hosts. — Haggai 2:9

You’ve probably experienced a season of God-ordained struggle, a time when there was a chill in the corner office, a dent in the savings account, a downturn. Often these days exist for a purpose: to turn our hearts back to God. Sometimes it takes a tragedy for us to hit our knees.  This is what the Israelites of Haggai’s day needed. Charged by God to rebuild the temple, they had abandoned the task, distracted by worldly things. God’s big thing became their small thing.

The prophet Haggai was sent to remind them of their work: “Go up into the mountains and bring down the timber and build my house” (Haggai 1:8 NIV). And he was sent to convey a promise: “‘The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the Lord Almighty” (Haggai 2:9 NIV). When nothing quenches your deepest thirsts, when droughts turn your fields into deserts and retirements into pocket change, what can you do? Evaluate your priorities: Is God’s big thing my big thing?

The Lord stirred up the leadership of His people, and they got to work on His temple. He blessed their renewed spirit. “I am with you” (Haggai 1:13; 2:4), He twice assured them.

He is with you too. It’s not too late to start again. The glory of the latter temple will be greater than the former. Or, in your case, the glory of the latter career, the latter years, will be greater than the former. Turn your heart back to Him.  In God’s plan, the future is always brighter and tomorrow always has the potential to outshine today.

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season. — Psalm 1:1–3

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

— Luke 12:34

In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit. 

— Ephesians 2:21–22

Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works. — Revelation 2:4-5

~

Lord, You dwelt in the Holy of Holies to be a presence among Your people, the Israelites. Now, You dwell in our hearts. You are always with us.

It’s easy for me to get distracted by my own desires and temptations. But my efforts are always fruitless when they are apart from You and Your will. Forgive me for the times when I misplace my priorities.

Give me a renewed passion for my calling, for my first love — You and Your church. Reorder my priorities so that You are always first. Give me hope for tomorrow, and help me believe that the best really is yet to come when I am working alongside You.

Thank You for choosing to dwell among us, 

first in Your temple and now, through Christ, in my heart. 

I praise You because it is never too late for me to start again.

-max lucado

...urgency

A woman in Montana was taking pictures when a grizzly bear approached. Her friends and family quickly retreated. The woman, however, continued to look through her camera as the deadly predator approached.

Apparently, she was shooting with a long lens and did not realize how close she was to the bear. Fortunately, the animal left the area without incident.

When I saw this story in my news feed, I had to stop what I was doing to write a post about it. The obvious spiritual lessons came to mind immediately: Like a grizzly bear, Satan “prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). We are therefore to “flee from sexual immorality” and other temptation (1 Corinthians 6:18) before we succumb to it.

But there’s another angle to this story as well.

The person who reported the woman’s encounter took a picture of her taking a picture of the bear. But he also tried to warn her, shouting at her to alert her to her danger. He said later that “she was either too far away, too focused on taking pictures, or was employing a strategy of ‘don’t move and the bear won’t mess with me’ as she was a statue.”

In other words, the fact that she remained in danger was not his fault.

The urgency and privilege of sharing our message

It is our job as Christians to warn those who are in eternal danger before it’s too late. Their response is not our responsibility. They may hear us and heed our message. They may reject our warning. They may ignore us.

What we do not want them to be able to say one day before God is that we didn’t tell them.

G. Campbell Morgan noted, “To call a man evangelical who is not evangelistic is an utter contradiction.”

We can say that the gospel is right or that it is wrong, but we cannot say that it is irrelevant. If it is true, every person we know will spend eternity in heaven or in hell depending on their response to God’s offer of salvation. If it is false, it is a lie.

If you believe that it is true, that the people you know are in imminent danger from the “bears” they don’t recognize, you must tell them.

-jim denison

...prayer

Today,
   For what I am that I ought not to be,
       Forgive me
   For what I am not that I ought to be,
       Forgive me

Be with my mouth in what it speaks.
Be with my hands in what they do.
Be with my mind in what it thinks.
Be with my heart in what it feels

Work in me
     through me
          for me
               in spite of me.

brokenness

For twenty-five years, I’ve had the same workout partner. His real name is John, but I call him Paco because, well, Paco seems like a better name for a workout partner. Even though Paco is older than I am, he’s one tough dude. I’ve never seen him throw a punch and he’s too kind to ever insult someone, but I have no doubt if push came to shove, I’d want him on my side in a street fight. 

You might guess that Paco and I don’t cry together. We don’t talk much about our feelings. We’re workout partners, not crying buddies. But then something happened. Paco suddenly began experiencing severe ringing in his ears, and that’s when I saw a different side of my tough buddy than I’d ever seen before. I didn’t know much about tinnitus, but once I saw Paco suffer, I learned what a terrible ordeal it can be, this constant ringing never stops. And there is no cure. For the more severe cases (like Paco’s), I understand it’s like a train driving through your brain. Twenty-four hours a day. Every day. 

Although there are some devices you can use, the pain for many is unbearable. 
Tragically, Paco had one of the worst cases his doctors had ever seen. 

After traveling to the top experts and specialists, Paco got the best advice from a fellow tinnitus sufferer. The guy explained that the noise would never go away. And the only way you can endure it is to get closer to God than you’ve ever been and pour out your life serving other people. 

I remember when Paco told me about this guy’s advice. It seemed trite. Useless. But Paco hadn’t seen another person with severe tinnitus function as well as this man. So with nothing to lose, he tried it. 

Daily, he pressed into God like he never had before. 
Reading God’s living Word. 
Meditating on His truth and love. 
Worshiping. 
Praying. 
Fasting. 

John and his wife, Jennifer, started a small group and began pouring into others. They “adopted” a single mom and her kids and started serving them selflessly. And in giving their lives away, the roaring in the brain never got better, but somehow John started getting better. The pain didn’t lessen, but John’s joy increased. 

At the gym one day we were trying to work out. John explained to me that tinnitus is the worst pain he could ever imagine. And yet, by God’s grace, he’d never been closer to God than he was in that moment. 

He told me that in brokenness, he found joy. 

I’m not sure if he started to get misty-eyed first or if it was me. But there in front of everyone in the gym, two lifelong friends couldn’t hold back our tears. 
In the brokenness and pouring out of his life, John found hope. 
In the middle of his worst pain, he discovered a peace from Heaven that he didn’t have the words to explain. I had discovered it for myself. But now I saw it in him. 

In our brokenness, we often experience God’s greatest blessings. 

The apostle Paul cried out desperately to God for healing and deliverance from some unknown trial. In three different seasons, Paul begged, pleaded, and petitioned God to take it away. But when God said no, Paul discovered something he would have missed otherwise.* 

God’s grace was enough. 

God uses those who are broken and dependent on Him. 

True brokenness before God isn’t a one-time event; it’s a daily decision. Paul said, 

I die daily. — 1 Corinthians 15:31 NKJV

What does that mean? Every day, he chose to crucify his own desires so he could live fully for God’s. We are each called to die daily. To be broken and poured out. To become dependent on God’s Spirit. To rely on Him for our comfort, our guidance, our source of power. 

prayer

And when [Jesus] had given thanks, He broke [the bread] and said, “This is My body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of Me.” 

— 1 Corinthians 11:24

Years ago, David Wilkerson wrote a runaway bestselling book called The Prayer of Jabez. It focused on a couple of Bible verses in the Old Testament. If you’ve never heard of this guy, Jabez, it’s no surprise. He’s mentioned only three times in the Bible, so we don’t know a lot of details about him. While we’re told he was honorable (1 Chronicles 4:9), the name Jabez actually means “he causes pain.” His mother named him Jabez because his birth had caused such pain (v. 9). Most Bible scholars believe that his birth must have been exceptionally painful or traumatic for his mother to give him such a name. 

Perhaps that’s why Jabez prayed this particular prayer: 

Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.

— 1 Chronicles 4:10

We’re told God granted him this request. 

When I read Wilkerson’s book, I was struck by the simplicity of this prayer. Bless me. Enlarge my territory. Let Your hand be with me. Keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. This is the type of prayer we all want to pray, right? Bless me. (Give me more of what I want.) Protect me. (Keep away from me what I don’t want.) Makes sense, right? 

While I’ve prayed different versions of this prayer too many times to count, I’ve been forced to come to terms with its limitations. This prayer — although scriptural and useful — is focused on what we want, not necessarily what God wants. It’s safe. It’s comfortable. Someone could even argue that it’s somewhat shortsighted — even selfish. 

Keep me from harm and free from pain makes sense. Who wants hardship? Who wants to struggle? But I wonder if we might as well be praying, “God, don’t let me grow. Don’t let me get stronger. Don’t allow me to trust You more.” Even though trials are never fun or easy to endure, God can often use them for His purposes. In fact, James, the half-brother of Jesus, was bold enough to tell us we should be thankful for the way God uses hardship to perfect us: 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. — James 1:2-4

If we pray only for protection from trials, then we rob ourselves of our future maturity. 

“Lord, keep me free from pain” feels like the right thing to pray — and often is. But if that’s our only desire, our biggest priority, then we may miss the perseverance that our trials produce. “God, protect me from harm” seems wise to pray — and can be. 

But it’s the challenges in life that help us mature and draw us closer to Christ. 

It’s fine to pray for safety and blessings, but what if you want more? What if you desire power from the Holy Spirit, strength from Heaven, unshakable faith, genuine intimacy with your Father? 

Instead of just asking God to keep you safe, give you more, and protect your life, you may have to ask God to break you. 
-craig groeschel

...courage

Video surgeries make me squirm. Normally, a close-up shot of a scalpel has me groping for the remote. But today I pulled the covers close to my face and watched as a tumor was carefully removed from someone’s brain. 

I decided to watch the procedure after Courtney Warner shared with her online followers her diagnosis of stage 3 brain cancer. Weeks after revealing she would have a tumor extracted, she announced her decision to film the entire process... live. Due to the location of Courtney’s tumor, the surgeons would need her to verbally communicate throughout the process. Yes. You read that right. She would have to remain awake through the entire operation. Maybe it’s just me, but the thought of trying to make small talk during brain surgery unnerves me to the core. 

Via YouTube, Courtney shared, “Hey guys... I had a pretty cool video today... I don’t know if everyone is going to like it... but I think it is very interesting. A couple of weeks before my surgery I decided to film everything about the surgery. I wanted to show you how it was for me... beginning to end and from my perspective.” 

With a GoPro attached to her bed rail, Courtney is led to surgery. As the operating doors swing open, she continues to talk. “I just keep thinking, this is actually happening right now,” she says. 

Surgeons perform the operation while a speech therapist holds up picture flash-cards, asking Courtney to identify the images being shown. At one point the video captures a triggered seizure; the right side of Courtney’s face twitches, and she is unable to communicate. She says on a later video, “I started to cry because I thought the seizure was my fault.” Within a minute the seizure subsides and Courtney is once again able to identify the images. Step-by-step, Courtney courageously talks her way through the footage. The final clip ends with the subtitle, This is when they were taking my tumor out.1 

As the screen faded to black, I silently asked myself, What personal crisis would I make public if I knew it would make my sisters stronger? Courtney’s ability to turn private adversity into a shared adventure left me thinking,

Sometimes heroes don’t wear capes but wear hospital gowns. 

Maybe you’ve never been in a situation like Courtney’s, where you’ve had to don a hospital gown so someone can slice open your skull. But I imagine you have your own stories of times when your life spun out of control. 

My friend Lauren knows the pain of watching life spin out of control. A mom of three boys — Josh, Dylan, and Ty — her life was supercharged. Between the boys’ busy schedules and helping her husband, Jack, with his construction company, she watched the years slip right on by. 

As she stared at the coffin, it was hard to believe twenty years had passed since first meeting Jack on a south Florida campus. It was harder to imagine that after today she would would you make never see his face again. 

His death was completely unexpected. 

There had been no signs of heart trouble. He wasn’t overweight or out of shape. No family history of coronary issues. There was no explanation for why his heart stopped. As she gently reached to touch Jack’s hand, her middle son, Dylan, slipped his hand into hers. As much as she wanted to climb in the coffin with Jack, the boys needed her to claw her way back to sanity. 

The months ahead were more difficult than she could have imagined. Lauren confided in me that she left off counting how many times she woke up thinking Jack was asleep beside her. She would reach for his hand only to find a pillow in his place. And she wasn’t the only one grief was engulfing. Father’s Day was gut-wrenching for the boys. Ty refused to eat; he simply pushed peas around his plate. Dylan missed the entire week of school, and Josh worked overtime to keep his mind distracted. Their lives were forever altered. 

How do we climb out of something so deep we can’t see the surface? A good place to start is on our faces in holy surrender. 

Sometimes surrender is the safest way to get through a season. For those of us who were born fighters, the word surrender has become synonymous with defeat. The truth is, surrender is only defeat when we hand over our authority to an equal or lesser power. Falling forward before our Father means we are surrendering but without being defeated. If there are situations that you need to surrender to God, let these words bring you comfort: 

For He will conceal me there when troubles come; He will hide me in His sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. 

— Psalm 27:5 NLT

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. 

— Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV

Spending time with her Father was the first step in restoring Lauren’s life. Over time and with the help of other sisters who had experienced similar pain and were willing to share their stories of restoration, her world found a new normal, and she found the strength and the courage to move on. Lauren would be the first to tell you the road to restoration wasn’t without bumps or delays. There were days she felt lonely and nights that left her longing for morning. Her journey is not one any of us would want to take, but the peace she discovered in the presence of Hope Himself is something she will carry forever. Inscribed on the cover of her Bible is her life verse: 

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. — Psalm 30:5 NLT

If you don’t have a life verse, ask God to lead you to one, and proclaim it daily. As we’ve discussed in previous chapters, we are made powerful by the words we proclaim. And what we hide in our hearts during secure seasons will make our hearts strong and our words sound during stormy seasons. 

repeat

Have you ever played that party game that starts with a phrase whispered from person to person until the last individual repeats out loud what he was told? Most of the time it’s unrecognizable from the original statement and everyone has a good laugh. It is amazing how easy it is for us to miscommunicate with each other.

The Bible has no miscommunication within its pages. Though written by more than forty men over 1,500 years, it remains our perfect playbook for the game of life. 

Two thousand years later the Bible provides clear insight and guidance to those who seek it. This book is a miracle book that had to be God inspired. 

The Bible also brings God closer to us — in our times of need and in times of prosperity: 

Yet You are near, Lord, and all Your commands are true. Long ago I learned from Your statutes that You established them to last forever.  Psalm 119:151-152

When we are desperate, the Holy Spirit communicates to us through God’s Word that we are not alone. 

When we are flying high, we are reminded to keep things in perspective. The stories of great men and women like David and Ruth serve as guideposts for us; the Gospel tells us the good news of Jesus Christ. What a playbook! 

I’m looking for practical tools to help me get through life. The Bible is the most practical and valuable resource I have in my possession. I’ve learned to turn to it daily and find it always lights my path — no matter how good or bad things are going for me. 

My hope is that you will learn this truth for yourself. 

-joe gibbs

...marriage

The foundation of successful communication is first and foremost found in looking in the mirror. How does your spouse view you? What are the qualities that you possess as a spouse? All of this informs how your spouse will frame you in his or her mind, and it’s to your own advantage to keep this in mind when you’re not connecting. Then use that perspective to take a closer look at why.

Maybe you feel the same way.

As we take this hard, close look in the mirror to see what our spouse sees in us, I’ve found three qualities are particularly worth paying attention to.

Compassion

The first is compassion. Compassion is accomplished through acceptance. It is the acceptance of another’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is letting them be who God created them to be and not trying to change them into who we want them to be.

It took Nancy and me a long time to get this. I used to blame it on getting married young, but over the years I have seen people trying to change their spouse all the way to the retirement home. I grew up in a healthy, loving family. My parents deeply loved each other and were great role models. Nancy’s growing-up years in a dysfunctional home were difficult. It made perfect sense to me that my family should be our model. However, Nancy did not exactly see it that way— especially when I was trying to change her!

Meanwhile, Nancy was trying to change me too. She put her dad on a pedestal. He was athletic and I was not. He was the life of the party and I was not. I could go on and on, but since I am writing this, I do not have to throw myself under the bus. She became critical of me because I did not fit her mold. So she spent years trying to change me. It never worked.

Think about it for a minute. Do you want someone to come into your life and try to change you into the person they want you to be, or do you want someone in your life who loves you and accepts you as you are? That is compassion, and the acceptance it brings to a marriage will literally change the relationship. Nancy wanted me to accept her thoughts, feelings, and actions. She wanted to be able to tell me everything and have no fear of judgment. She wanted me to be able to love her as she was and let God make the changes in her that He wanted to make. I did not do that at first. In fact, I did not do that for a long time.

Today I am better at it. Today she is better at it, and do you know what we discovered? That was God’s plan all along. God will never make me into anyone who is not perfect for Nancy or her into anyone not perfect for me. He values marriage too much. He wants our marriage to succeed and to be fulfilling. Whatever He does to bring about change in my life or hers will help accomplish that purpose.

So accept each other. Accept your differences because you have them. You know something I have learned as a counselor sitting across from couples all these years?

God NEVER puts two people together who are alike.

NEVER. And to bridge those immense differences, you need compassion. You are different so you can grow and challenge each other and be able to say after fifty years of marriage that your life was so much better because you were married to him or married to her. Embrace your differences. Accept each other just as you are, and add compassion to your marriage.

Authenticity

The second key to understanding how our spouse sees us is authenticity. It is not just what we say; authenticity is about how we say it. It is building a relationship over time that lets your spouse know that what you say is real and sincere. It is the assurance that you never have lied to or deceived your spouse, nor ever will. It is a combination of integrity, honesty, and a desire to honor God with your life. It is an incredible foundation that is rock solid.

Let’s stop for a minute, because I don’t want to lose you. I can hear some of you saying, “I have already blown it. Is there hope for me?” The answer is yes, and here is why. I have blown it, too. In fact, I do not know anyone who has not blown it at one time or another in their marriage, but that is not a reason to lower the standard.

If we begin to say this is okay or that is okay when they are not, what have we accomplished? We have just dumbed down marriage and devalued God’s plan. Even though it is high and difficult to attain, the standard needs to remain where God places it. We are all going to mess up at one time or another. When it happens, be quick to acknowledge your mistake, and then learn from it.

Remember this: married life is a lot like being in a boot camp.

Marriage is a time of learning and growing and figuring out how to honor God with our lives. At times the going is tough. Your spouse knows that you will not be perfect, or if they do not, they need to accept that fact. Nancy knows that I am not perfect. Yet she also wants to know that I am daily letting God mold me into who He wants me to be. When I blow it today, I quickly acknowledge what I did and take full responsibility. That is not easy.

I used to acknowledge wrongs quickly but had trouble taking full responsibility for my actions. That needed to change. Then I asked God what He wanted me to do differently and what I needed to learn out of the experience. That put things in a different perspective. My accountability was now to God. That made a difference in me and in my marriage. That built a foundation of genuineness.

Empathy

The final key is empathy. In the Bible, Jesus talks to us about being servants. My impression is that this is both in our actions and in our attitudes. For me, it means putting my selfish desires aside and putting Nancy before myself. It is that God-first, spouse second thing again. For me, empathy involves asking myself two questions. First, no matter what the situation, I want to look at it from Nancy’s perspective. I ask myself, “Exactly what is her perspective?” Then the game changing question for me is, “How is her perspective different from mine?”

When I take the time to ask those two questions, I connect better with Nancy. I am taking the time to “walk in her shoes” and taking the time to see how our perspectives are different. Then my response draws us together. She knows I care, and she knows I have taken the time and made the effort to understand her. The more I do this, the better our marriage.

When was the last time you tried to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes? There are opportunities every day to do this. Start today. Ask God to show you an opportunity to be empathetic. Then do it.

You will be amazed at the results.

So compassion, authenticity, and empathy work together to lay the foundation of how your spouse views you. When I am totally in sync with these three, I am standing on solid ground in my marriage. Nancy experiences me accepting her unconditionally. She trusts what I tell her and knows that I would never knowingly do something to hurt her. Finally, the empathy I show lets her know that I have taken the time to walk in her shoes. Compassion, authenticity, and empathy work together to lay the foundation of how your spouse views you. When I am totally in sync with these, I am on solid ground in my marriage.

No matter where your marriage is today, take time to look in the mirror. Ask yourself these questions. What does your spouse see? How are they interpreting your words and actions? What needs to change?

As you begin to work on compassion, acceptance, and empathy, you will become aware of two minor miracles. You are placing your spouse firmly in the position God wants you to have him or her, and it keeps you building an awesome marriage. Those alone make that long look in the mirror worth it.

-kim kimberling

...enthusiasm

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, henry van dyke wisely said, "Use what talents you possess: The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best."

I grew up in Brisbane, Australia, and attended a primary school where there was a motto written over the door of every classroom. The only one I remember is today's verse taken from the Bible: "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might"—that is, whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability and do it with enthusiasm.

That's one motto I have tried to live by and, with God's grace, plan to continue for the rest of my life.

Everyone has been given at least one gift/talent—most of us several. May we all use them to the best of our ability to serve God and our fellow man and thereby help make our homes and our world a better place in which to live.

God hasn't called most of us to be experts but he has called all of us to be faithful in putting to good use the gifts he has given to us. So, "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it to the best of your ability with enthusiasm."

-dick innes

...words

I love words. 

With words we can move people to laugh, to cry, to love us or to hate us. 

With words we can inspire some to noble deeds of kindness, or if we are so inclined, we can persuade others to dastardly deeds of violence and evil. I trust the following will be as enriching to you as they have been and are to me.

"The tragedy in life, is not that we die, but rather, what dies inside a man while he lives."

"The unattended garden, will soon be overrun with weeds; the heart that fails to cultivate truth and root out error, will shortly be a theological wilderness."

"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time."

"The longest journey begins with the first step." 

"Dig your well before you're thirsty." 

"If one stays too long in his shell, he'll wind up nuts."

"When you have a lot of rough edges, you're easy to get hold of but hard to embrace."

"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

"To have a healthy sense of self-worth you don't have to be the best. Just be your best."

Winston Churchill wisely observed that opposition can be a healthy thing: "Kites rise against, not with the wind." 

"If you resent it, don't do it; if you do it, don't resent it."

"The world is round, and the place which may seem like an end may also be only the beginning." 

"The way we treat people is the way we treat God."

think about these things

wise

"A wise man will hear and increase learning.

One of the best pieces of advice I received as a young man was from a minister who said to me, "Every young man should read a chapter of Proverbs in the Bible every day." I did this for many years and learned many truths as a result. I still appreciate proverbs both in and outside of the Bible. A proverb is a proverbial saying, or as Webster defines it, "A short popular saying that expresses an obvious truth." We call them one-liners today.  Proverbial one-liners convey valuable nuggets of truth.

winston churchill: "The farther backwards you can look the farther forward you are likely to see."

arnold toynbee: "An autopsy of history is that all great nations commit suicide."

henry thoreau: "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."

larry mcmurty: "It is impossible to impress a people with truths that they aren't ready to hear, much less accept."

isaac newton: "What we know is a drop. What we don't know is an ocean."

richard lamm: "Our moral compass gyrates wildly."

mervin romsky: "He is a failure as a human being, no matter what his other achievements, whose heart does not hurt for his fellow man. And he is a successful human being, no matter where else he may be lacking, who is rich in compassion."

words

"Hear instruction, and be wise."

I love one-liners. Many are like modern proverbs and are like nuggets of gold or pearls of wisdom. Here are a few:

"Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." – william blake

"Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated; you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." – david george

"I would rather fail in a cause that will ultimately triumph than to triumph in a cause that will ultimately fail." – jim elliot 

"Would that God would make hell so real to us that we cannot rest; heaven so real that we must have men there; Christ so real that our supreme motive and aim shall be to make the Man of Sorrows the Man of Joy by the conversion to him of many." – j. hudson taylor.

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." – chinese proverb 

"You are wise when you learn from your mistakes. You are wiser still when you learn from others' mistakes." – rob acker 

"The experience of resistance and frustration is often an indication that you are doing the wrong thing." – brian tracy 

"Every person is working for him or herself." – brian tracy 

"He who never walks except where he sees other men's tracks will make no discoveries." – unknown 

"Success is a marathon, not a sprint." – unknown 

And, "If it's going to be, it will be up to me." – robert schuller 

"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" – (Jeremiah 32:27).

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths" – (Proverbs 3:5-6).

evaluation

Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. — Matthew 7:17-20 

Jesus is the ultimate expression of relational intelligence. 

He is the most influential figure in human history, and part of His productivity can be attributed to the way He managed relationships. 

He engaged in a practice — one He encouraged His followers to engage in as well. 

It’s the practice of fruit inspection.  

If Jesus says we should recognize people by their fruit, then He is encouraging us to actually  engage in an act of evaluation. While reflection is an internal exercise, evaluation or “fruit” inspection is an external exercise. It is the act of inspecting the fruit of the people in one’s relational circle and determining what category the fruit qualifies them for. This exercise should not be confused with making judgments about one’s character; rather, it is evaluating your personal experiences with an individual and determining what that means and says to you.  

Consider the last conversation you had with, say, your coworker. What did you discuss? Was something said that revealed some aspect of this person’s character? How did you feel when you left the conversation? Your evaluation of that person could determine whether that person remains an associate or becomes a friend. 

Some people aren’t bad people; they’re just bad for you.  

-dharius daniels