conscience

 In their book Fearfully and Wonderfully Made, Dr. Paul Brand and Philip Yancey write:

"Amputees often experience some sensation of a phantom limb. Somewhere, locked in their brains, a memory lingers of the nonexistent hand or leg. Invisible toes curl, imaginary hands grasp things, a 'leg' feels so sturdy a patient may try to stand on it. 

For a few, the experience includes pain. 

Doctors watch helplessly, for the part of the body screaming for attention does not exist.

One such patient was my medical school administrator, Mr. Barwick, who had a serious and painful circulation problem in his leg but refused to allow the recommended amputation. As the pain grew worse, Barwick grew bitter. "I hate it! I hate it!" he would mutter about the leg. At last he relented and told the doctor, "I can't stand it anymore. I'm through with that leg. Take it off," Surgery was scheduled immediately. Before the operation, however, Barwick asked the doctor, "What do you do with legs after they're removed?" 

"We may take a biopsy or explore them a bit, but afterwards we incinerate them," the doctor replied.

Barwick proceeded with a bizarre request: "I would like you to preserve my leg in a pickling jar. I will install it on my mantle shelf. Then, as I sit in my armchair, I will taunt that leg, 'Hah! You can't hurt me anymore!'" 

Ultimately, he got his wish. But the despised leg had the last laugh. Barwick suffered phantom limb pain of the worst degree. The wound healed, but he could feel the torturous pressure of the swelling as the muscles cramped, and he had no prospect of relief. He had hated his leg with such intensity that the pain had unaccountably lodged permanently in his brain." 

Phantom limb pain provides great insight into the human conscience. Christians can be obsessed by the memory of some sin committed years ago. It never leaves them, crippling ministries, devotional lives, and relationships with other people.They live in fear someone will discover their past, so they work overtime proving to God they're truly repentant and erecting barriers against the enveloping, loving grace of God. 

Unless we experience the truth of 1 John 3:19-20 that "God is greater than our conscience," we can become as pitiful as poor Mr. Barwick, shaking a fist in fury at the pickled leg on the mantle.